Short Fiction: Vaalima, Part 1

When I spotted the Vaalima/Torfianovska sign, I got excited and grabbed a cigarette from Ed’s pack of L&M’s on the dashboard. “Fuck! We made it!” I said while nervously flicking the lighter. “No; we still need to get to the other side” Ed mumbled. I took a long drag and stared out the window. Trucks and cars were lined up all the way to the vanishing point. My heart sunk as I realized we were possibly never crossing the border into Russia…

I met Ed at a club in Helsinki three days before we arrived in Vaalima. I had just ditched a bunch of Canadian girls from the hostel, who I had little to nothing in common with. It was nice to have company in the depressing, Soviet-style building that we shared a small room in, but I lost interest when they wanted to do coke in the restroom with some Finnish bodybuilder who reeked of baby oil.

My watch was stolen in Oslo and I needed to know the time so I could catch the first train out to Pagny-Sur-Moselle. I walked up to the edge of the bar and pretended to wait for the bartender’s attention while trying to read Ed’s watch as he lifted his drink to his lips. He was sporting a cheap Casio with no backlighting and I couldn’t read the time. I gently tapped the shoulder of his Army jacket, leaned in close, and pointing to my empty wrist, yelled, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?” Ed clicked a button on the side of the watch and said in a heavy accent, “3:28.” “Ok, thanks” I said and walked away towards the dance floor. If I could hang out another hour, I could wash up in the restroom, get a drink of water and head to the train station without having to kill time in the streets.

I was sick of dancing but it beat sitting at the bar drinking beer all night by myself. I was old enough to order a beer, but you have to be at least twenty to get Kossu or even Finlandia. A few minutes later I went to pee and the house lights came on. Realizing the club must close at four, not five like the place I had been to the night before, I quickly retrieved my backpack out of the coat-check, ran to the ladies room again, and filled an empty water bottle from the tap. I threw a stack of paper towels and a roll of toilet paper in the backpack, then washed my face with the soap from the wall dispenser. It smelled like the sea, not artificial or chemical-y like the stuff back home. I tightened the laces on my boots and walked briskly out of the bathroom, through the empty, litter-filled dance floor and pushed members of the exiting crowd to get to the outside of the club.

I navigated myself to the nearest empty street corner so I could take out a map and locate the station. Hearing footsteps, I turned around. Ed was crossing the road and quickly approaching.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Glory of the Anhinga

Joy Division: Peel Sessions—MP3′s

This is a stunning set of live-in-studio recordings that find Sumner, Hook, Curtis, and Morris at their most raw and powerful. Martin Hannett’s heavy-handed production choices (particularly on Unknown Pleasures) provided a  huge disservice to the band’s awe-inspiring collection of songs; here, JD’s truth is revealed and laid bare for the world to hear. Curtis sounds as though he is taking you “by the hand” and communicating one-on-one in the most immediate, desperate way possible. The resulting experience for the listener is a timeless, resonating quality that gives the impression that the record were barely made thirty seconds ago much less thirty years. Supertramp released Breakfast in America the same year—what more needs to be said?

Joy Division: The Peel Sessions is out-of-print. Therefore, TWIRFMR feels completely justified in making available the mp3′s for download.  Time for one last ride before the end of it all… 

JOY DIVISION PEEL SESSIONS MP3′s

Marriage Proposal

Honey, I’ve been thinking—-we’ve been together for years now. I can’t wait to wake up next to you every morning. Why, we’re just as much in love with each other as we were the day we met (I still remember what you were wearing, my dear, sweet pet) and I would very much like to make an honest espresso out of you. Look, I guess what I’m saying is…Café Bustelo, will you marry me?

 

 

The Benefits of Living Ninety Miles From Cuba

Cuban sandwich and papaya batido for lunch. ¡Deliciouso!

Interview With a Snake

In 1981, photographer Richard Avedon captured what became one of the most iconic images of 1980’s pop-culture; a picture of actress Nastassja Kinski intertwined with a boa constrictor. TWIRFMR is proud to present our recent interview with the real star of that photo session—the snake…

TWIRFMR:  People have described you as “the luckiest snake in the world”. Agree or disagree?

SNAKE:  Agree! Nastassja Kinski was around 20 at the time and had just started filming Cat People. She looked like a model.

TWIRFMR:  Interesting that you use the term “model”— today’s models are hollowed-out skeletons compared to Kinski.

SNAKE:  Yes, she was voluptuous in the best possible way. I remember slithering around her body and thinking, “Now this is a real woman!”

TWIRFMR:  Was the photo shoot difficult?

SNAKE:  Kinski was nervous; I am after all, a deadly python. Truth be told, I was tamed and had a wrangler working with me. But the tension made for a better, dare I say, sexier, end product.

TWIRFMR:  It sure did. How did you feel about the enormous success of the photo?

SNAKE:  At the time, I had mixed feelings. Everyone was so focused on Nastassja, I thought to myself, “there’s two beautiful creatures in this picture, you know!”. These days, I’m fine with being just “the snake” from the picture.

TWIRFMR:  Have you spoken to Kinski since the shoot?

SNAKE:  No, she never returned my calls.

TWIRFMR:  That’s a shame. Well, thank you for the interview. Good luck to you.

SNAKE:  Thanks. I hear her daughter is a model, so I’m kinda hoping…

A Very Special Thank You

Dear “Roulette Spiel”,

Thank you for your recent comment on “All Aboard the Slime Mold Express!”-–I’m tickled pink to know that you carefully took the time to understand this particular post. Your remark (“Super Artikel!”) just proves that there are still people in this world who “get it”, you know what I mean? For example, most readers who see that piece probably wonder to themselves, “What is this shit supposed to be?”.  And sure,  on the surface, it’s poorly executed (not to mention badly rendered). Also,  it (deceptively) appears to have been conceived and drawn in the span of five minutes. However, you and I both know that it’s a brilliant, unique take on a recent science headline .  A “Super Artikel” indeed. You’re the ideal reader of this blog “Roulette Spiel”, I hope you’ll be commenting more in the future!

Yours truly,

TWIFRMR

A Trip to the Mall: Part II

Longtime readers may recall this post from a while back. Dear Reader, TWIRFMR was forced to make a return visit to their local mall and things haven’t exactly improved. Over in the dim corner by the-anchor-store-long-past-its-prime, quietly resided an eyebrow threading establishment, a dollar store, and an empty space that was once a Ritz Camera (it’s aged, 1970′s logo somewhat still visible). Disturbingly, a sizable expanse was dedicated to something called, “Museum of Lifestyle and Fashion History” (current exhibition: “Barbie, The Golden Anniversary”). One can only assume this exhibition has already made the rounds to The Lourve, The Hermitage, and The Uffizi. And do we all remember the Dippin’ Dots vending machine from our last visit? Well, for whatever reason, there is an actual full-serve Dippin’ Dots just down the way. Coming soon: Dippin’ Dots stalls in the restrooms.

The air was heavy with despair and you could practically taste the mall’s sad, salty tears in your mouth.  Ghosts of the mall’s heyday wailed, “Over here–remember me? I was once a quality retailer in this very space that is now occupied by Fashions For U!”

On the way out, a sign proudly announced the food court’s newest addition—Taco Bell.

Spin and Win at the Saddest Place on Earth

Tucked away in a non-descript strip mall, smack dab in the middle of Shitsville, U.S.A., lies Vegas East, a faux-gambling establishment with all the glizt and glamour of a Costco toilet paper aisle. Gambling is illegal in the state Vegas East resides in, so the winnings presumably exist in the form of Denny’s coupons or tickets for more games. A peek inside Vegas East revealed a brightly lit room with a handful of machines, a “festive” carpet, and saddest of all—a long counter replete with plates of cheap snacks, powdered coffee creamer, etc.; perfect for the elderly/poor/disabled to refuel before another round of high-stakes thrills commences.

photo: TWIRFMR

Who Blew Us Up?

Fellow Survivors, when you’re not too busy trying to salvage the remainder of your skin or decorating  your new hovel with a collection of squirrel skulls, do you ever take a moment to wonder…..WHO BLEW US UP? Let’s take a poll and see if we’re all on the same page. And since most of us haven’t had contact with another human being in ages, it might be nice to participate in something other than vomiting all over ourselves on an hourly basis. Those of you with liquefied brain matter, just do your best, there’s no wrong answer here.