All Aboard the Slime Mold Express!

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The Sacred Creed of the Baby Panda

I, YUN-ZI, VOW TO UPHOLD THE SACRED CREED OF THE BABY PANDA:  EXTERMINATION OF THE HUMAN RACE IS OUR IMPERATIVE. I WILL  BREAK ANY AND ALL HUMANS IN TWO, FULL-ON BAMBOO STYLE. ONCE THEY ARE NOTHING BUT LIFELESS RAG DOLLS, I WILL USE MY ADORABLE MOUTH TO PUNCTURE THEIR STOMACHS AND PULL OUT THEIR ENTRAILS WHICH WILL THEN BE FORCE FED TO THEIR HORRIFIED, SCREAMING CHILDREN. I WILL TOLERATE NOTHING LESS THAN A SCORCHED EARTH POLICY TOWARDS THE HUMANS AND I WILL DO MY VERY BEST TO WIPE THEIR EXISTENCE OFF THE PLANET. A NEW EPOCH  APPROACHES AND THE BABY PANDA SHALL REIGN SUPREME. LONG LIVE THE BABY PANDA!!!

Interviews With Birds: Burrowing Owl

TWIRFMR:  You know what’s interesting about you? Despite being an owl, you’re pretty much diurnal—-awake in the day and asleep at night.

OWL: I know what diurnal means.

TWIRFMR:  Right, of course you do. You’re a bit smaller than other owl species, no?

OWL: Yes, we’re about 9” in height, 4 ounces in weight. 

TWIRFMR:  Awwwwww! Such cute proportions! So, what do burrowing owls typically eat?

OWL:  Oh you know, the usual—insects, small birds, rodents…..wow, I’m getting hungry just talking about prey!

TWIRFMR:  And the “burrowing” part of burrowing owl refers to?

OWL:  We live in burrows that are usually created by other animals but we’ve been known to dig our own as well. Unfortunately, our housing situation is becoming more and more compromised and we very much need help. 

TWIRFMR: Really? What sort of help?

OWL:  First, curb pesticide use as we eat some of the animals who have ingested the poison. Build artificial burrows for us. But most importantly…STOP ENCROACHING ON OUR HABITAT LIKE IT’S YOUR MANIFEST DESTINY TO BUILD MORE CONDOS AND OFFICE PARKS. No offense, but you humans sure have proven to be a bunch of greedy cocksuckers.

TWIRFMR:  Amen to that! Hey, thanks for being with us today.

OWL:  Sure, no problem. 

photo: TWIRFMR

Forget Sea Blobs—Here’s How it’s Really All Going to End

Hybrid Man-Eating Pythons. Yup.

Beware of The (Sea) Blob

This is how it will all end. No bang, just whimper. Instead of nuclear Armageddon, the demise of mankind will be the result of  a seemingly harmless floating slime. Scientists have identified the slime as ”sea mucus” (found primarily in the Adriatic Sea but becoming an issue in other oceans). The mucilage begin as microscopic gatherings of mostly dead organic matter. However, the tiny gatherings pick up living and dead travelers along the way, becoming larger and more toxic along the way. The sea mucus become powerful enough to kill large fish.

So who’s to say these sea blobs won’t propel themselves on to land? Before you know it, the mucilage will trap human organic matter, thus becoming bigger, stronger, and even more toxic.  Trapped individuals will suffocate, die, and decay within the mucilage’s structure. The human decay will serve as fuel for the growing blob and the whole cycle will repeat, ad infinitum, until Earth is nothing more than a lifeless planet blanketed in ooze. 

 

photos:  National Geographic

Male Seahorse Pops One (or two, or ten) Out

Fascinating footage of a male seahorse giving birth. Take that NPR’s Science Friday!

Interviews with Birds: Black-crowned Night Heron

TWIRFMR: It’s great to have you with us, Black-crowned Night Heron. I know you’re nocturnal and not easy to spot.

BCNH: Yes, we tend to have an air of mystery surrounding us. We spend our evenings waiting for fish and amphibians to swim by then rest all day, hiding in trees or bushes.

TWIRFMR: You guys are classified as herons, but you don’t really look like the typical heron.

BCNH: So true, so true. We’re a little stockier, relatively speaking. And our bills are somewhat shorter. We’re cuter too! Wait, don’t print that.

TWIRFMR: Too late! Hey, you know what’s ironic? You’re seemingly everywhere in North America and pretty common in South America too however, no one really sees you.

BCNH: It’s our crazy schedule.

TWIRFMR: No doubt. So would it be safe to say that if someone took a photo of you, a close-up photo no less, then that someone must be a really dedicated bird lover not to mention a super-cool person?

BCNH: Um, not if said person was actually taking pictures of us at their local zoo instead of wading in the trenches at three in the morning with their subject matter.

TWIRFMR: I see. Oops! Looks like we’ve run out of time, Black-crowned Night Heron. Goodbye!

photo: TWIRFMR

Attention All Mice Makers

In light of recent news regarding the ability to breed mice from spare change and some cheeze-its (I’m close, right?), TWIRFMR would like to propose a few ethical guidelines for future mouse making sessions. After all, if laboratories are soon to be inundated with new populations of mice, why not make the experience as pleasant as possible for both sides?

(1) Only create mice who carry the gene for skilled labor. Sleeping, eating, and defecating are great, but let’s face it; those traits aren’t conducive to a productive mouse society.

(2) Provide bowler hats, trenchcoats, and briefcases for all males—they’ll be ready for job interviews and other important meetings in their handsome and sophisticated all-weather duds.

(3) Females need aprons—it’s that simple. It’s what they like to wear as they anxiously await for Mr. Mouse’s arrival at the foot of their well-tended hovels.

(4) And finally: Nothing gives a mouse more joy than a great brunch joint. Mice like to meet other mice in a simple, yet elegant setting to gossip over the latest going-on’s in their community whilst nibbling on the perfect eggs benedict.

Illustrations: Beatrix Potter

The Inherent Beauty of: Zeitgebers

A “Zeitgeber” is not just a cool German word, it also plays a crucial role for all life on planet Earth. The word translates literally as time (zeit) + giver (geber). Organisms need cues from the external world in order to synchronize their internal biological clocks; the most important cue is the sun. In other words, all life forms are wholly submissive to Earth’s 24-hour rotation cycle. Whether you’re a homosapien or pond scum, your primary zeitgeber is the light/dark pattern of the sun’s alternating phases.  Following the sun, other major natural zeitgebers include atmospheric temperature and Earth’s magnetic field.

Zeitgebers entrain biological clocks at the cellular level, synchronizing and regulating internal processes such as hormone production and photosynthesis. More specifically, Zeitgebers are responsible for circadian (day length) , infradian (longer than a day), and ultradian (shorter than a day) rhythms, the biological cycles that produce sleep, cell regeneration, menstruation, and even one of nature’s more delightful phenomenon, bird migration.

The relationship between cellular organisms and Zeitgebers is highly complex yet at the same time, simply beautiful.

The Golden Age of Flight

When I was growing up, flying used to be special, a magical experience—something you looked forward to, for goodness sakes. These days, flying is no more special than the hourly LA to NY bulletshuttle; in other words, transportation for the greedy masses. We want a flight when we want it and we barely want to pay for the privilege. And what a privilege it is! Why, back in the good old days, when this was new technology, people would clap like monkeys on arrival, stare out the window in wonderment, declare out loud, “I’m here, this is amazing!” Now, you hardly see anyone look up from their nano-readers, much less care that a trip that used to take at least 6 months now lasts no more than a week. Prior to the Interstellar deregulation laws, this incredible experience used to only be possible for the upper classes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for removing the elitism from travel, but at what cost? The crew barely look at you during identity scans. And the “meals”? Ha, what a joke (they’ve been getting real chintzy with the liquid nitrogen lately, my eggs were barely frozen on the last flight)!. Oh, how about those vomit stations? Don’t even get me started!